When the Wall Comes Down

I first went to the Berlin Wall as an exchange student in Germany in 1982. The Berlin Wall was an immense concrete wall that was covered with graffiti on the West side because the residents could get close to it. On the East side, it was no where near where someone could get close to—in front of it lay a no-man’s land strip of raked ground, razor wire and guard towers between even good sections of the city and the wall.

West or East, the wall made sure that there was no contact between lives on one side and lives on the other. This is what walls do.  They create a no-contact zone between sides of a country or sides of a self that can’t know about the other.

Trauma fragments and breaks things into pieces-- and the protections created to survive trauma keep that fragmentation in place. If I experienced something awful, or witnessed something awful, or perpetrated something awful and I was undone by it, I erect inner Berlin Walls between the self that lived through the trauma and the self that is trying to get by in the world. The wall allows me to keep on going, but I lose access to parts of myself. I lose access to prior learning, to my feelings, to flexibility. On my bad days, I am behind the wall living in my trauma and I can completely forget that the healthier side exists. And on my good days I do everything in my power to stay away from the dark side of the wall.

Healing from trauma is the gradual taking down of the wall. Of integration. of bringing the sides of yourself together again to become whole.

In 1989 when the Berlin Wall came down it was a scene of liberation and celebration. And when inner walls come down, there can be immense feelings of relief. But there can also be immense feelings of grief—for the years that the walls were up. Immense grief because you finally see and feel the experiences that you hid behind the wall.  And it can come as a bit of a shock—the wall helped you stay numb and away from feelings. When the wall comes down, feelings can flood in and knock you down. You think you should feel good, and instead you are wondering how to put the wall back up.

We think of the wall “falling” 25 years ago today, but the Berlin wall was dismantled slowly—it didn’t actually start coming down until 1990 and wasn’t fully dismantled until 1992, a nearly three year process. Healing from trauma, from whatever war erected your wall, means allowing each piece of the wall to come down, letting each side greet each other. Letting each side share some time together at a pace that allows you to digest your history and take it in—and heal the reasons that the walls were erected in the first place. 

© Gretchen L. Schmelzer, PhD 2014

Understanding Long Term Trauma (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

In an earlier post on how all trauma is not the same, I talk about how single incident trauma and repeated trauma impact people differently. A single incident of trauma catches us off guard and breaks through our defenses. But when trauma is repeated as it is in child abuse, domestic violence, gang violence, or war, then we don’t wait to get ‘caught off guard’ -- we unconsciously, yet wisely, build a system of defenses against being overwhelmed and getting caught off-guard again. Building defenses to survive and experience the repeated trauma conserves our energy for survival. Instead of getting flooded with emotion—with terror, fear, and all the responses to it—we build walls, moats and methods of escape. We go numb, we feel nothing, and we do whatever we have to in order to maintain our distance from ourselves and others.

Most forms of treatment for trauma focus on what I would call the first form of trauma: What did happen. These are the events that you may have a clear memory of, the actions or words of violence, abuse or neglect. Treatment often consists of telling your story and focusing on coping strategies for managing the aftereffects of the trauma: flashbacks and startle response.

But in repeated or long term trauma, ‘What happened’ is only one part of the trauma. If trauma gets repeated, a second form of trauma occurs. This second form of repeated trauma is the systems of psychological and physiological defense that one constructs to survive the trauma. People change themselves to survive trauma. The responses to trauma are no longer ‘symptoms’ but instead these protective responses get incorporated into your personality—into the way you function.

These protective behaviors, beliefs and attitudes not only become how you are the in the world—they are your main defense against feeling the terror of trauma again. While most people have some difficulty with change, or giving up some aspect of themselves that helps them cope, for survivors of repeated trauma, when they lose the ability to use the defense that they feel keeps them safe, they are often thrust into either an emotional or physical flashback—they will panic and experience the feelings that accompanied the original trauma.

In the psychology literature there is a distinction made between a ‘state’—a short term experience, like anxiety about big exam, and ‘trait’ –something that is an enduring part of your personality, like being a generally anxious person, even when there is no event to trigger the anxiety. In short term trauma, the symptoms that one uses to cope can be temporary. These short term solutions that you used to protect yourself might actually be described as a defensive state. For example, during a hurricane, you might put plywood sheets over your windows to brace against the wind and water. The plywood is a temporary fix: you can choose to put it up and take it down at will. In situations of long term trauma the coping strategy is better described as a defensive trait; the protective response becomes a core of your personality. Instead of choosing how to respond, you have basically one, fixed, protective response. This is the body and brain’s genius of efficiency at work. Your body and brain can’t manage the repeated high energy responses to each particular trauma—the responses just become too much. Rather, the body and brain find a way to use their energy and resources more efficiently.

Rather than use something temporary like plywood, in long term trauma the metaphorical equivalent of protecting yourself from the hurricane would be covering the front of your house with brick and cement up to the roofline. True, you’d protect yourself from the hurricane and water wouldn’t get in. But, neither would air or sunlight. And, your wall has no flexibility—it can’t be easily removed. In protecting yourself from repeated trauma you do protect yourself from the things that are most frightening, but you also end up cutting yourself off from the things that you also most need.

This is why healing from repeated or long term trauma is not a one-size-fits-all situation. Everyone constructs different walls to survive their trauma. It is also why many of the treatments for trauma reduce intrusive symptoms like flashbacks or anxiety, but they don't seem to help the problems many trauma survivors face in terms of difficulty in relationships or managing mood. The walls built to survive the trauma were genius, they were effective, they were strong. And you can't just knock them down because they are woven into who you are. This is why healing from repeated trauma is often a long term project: you need to slowly take down the bricks and let light in. But the good news is that healing is possible.

Other websites/Resources for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: 

© Gretchen L. Schmelzer, PhD 2014