I have spent the last decade or so trying to help people understand the cyclic nature of healing. To understand that healing happens in cycles and not a straight line—that you heal in layers and not some made-for-tv movie version of ‘before’ and ‘after.’ But there is such pull to the fantasy of ‘cure. ’ And there is such power in the belief that once we understand something or talk about something we are ‘done.’ So many of my clients have come in to therapy or coaching and said, ‘But I’ve already dealt with that—I shouldn’t need to talk about it again...’ And I’ve complained to my therapist,” But I’ve written articles on that, and led therapy groups about that—how can this still be hard for me?”

But the problem isn’t our demons as much as it is our understanding of them and our relationship to them. We often think of our demons—the things we say to ourselves or the things we do that we don’t like—as the problem. And it’s true that in your current life they may have actually become the problem. The negative self-talk, the perfectionism, the overeating or drinking, the avoidance or aggression. But here’s the thing: every one of our demons initially showed up to help us solve problems. Our demons were not the problems—they were our problem-solvers. And our most successful problem-solver demons stuck around.

So, if you want to live without those particular demons—you need to understand the problem that they are always working to solve. You don’t solve the demon—you take over the burden it has been carrying for you.

But here’s the catch: our demons—our protections—lower our anxiety. They help us not feel the hurts or traumas of the past. They help us not feel anxious, or angry, or helpless, or depressed. So, when you attempt to get rid of them—when you try to eat differently, or stop drinking, or organize your finances—you suddenly feel all the feelings that the demons were holding. You don’t feel better. You actually feel worse. This is why there is such a high relapse rate in behavior change (almost all health behavior change has an 80% relapse rate.) Instead of feeling better and getting rewarded for the change –we feel worse—and we find ourselves in a wrestling match with ourselves. Soon it’s just easier to go back to our old habits and let our demons have their old jobs back. It’s division of labor we are used to: I’ll run my life—and you, demons, will manage my fears.

The problem isn’t our attempts at change. The problem is how we are doing it. Most of us try to change by exiling our demons. By denying them or trying to get rid of them. Instead, get to know them. Get to know what they have been doing for you. Get to know the feelings they are holding and the feelings that they are protecting you from. If you don’t want your demons to run your life—you don’t send them away—you invite them in closer. You need to partner with them. And in many cases, you will need to parent them. Our demons are much younger versions of ourselves—of our attempts to solve really hard problems that happened long ago. Our demons aren’t trying to ruin our lives—they are just in over their heads.

The answer to our problems with demons—with old protections—is conversation.

Are you asking me to talk to myself?”

Actually, yes, I am. Working with our demons is essentially couples therapy for a self—for the parts of ourselves that wants to change—and the parts of ourselves that have been protecting ourselves from the feelings that will arise if we make that change. We need to sit next to them—and not in opposition to them. We need a conversation—we need to understand. And maybe even more than that—we need to express our gratitude for all the hard work that they have done.

Practically speaking I recommend journaling. Writing about the demon—when you think it showed up and why. All the ways it has helped and has gotten in the way. What you fear would happen if you were to live without it. What do you think it is protecting you from. This sort of journaling is helping you know what you know—and put your knowledge in one place. It gets at the awareness you have built over time. And then, if you are up for the experiment: ask your demon a question. Ask your demon what it is thinking, what is hard for it, what it needs. And sit and breathe and wait for an answer. The answer might be a word or an image or a feeling. This isn’t an outside voice. It’s yours. It’s just one that’s been outside your awareness.

I can hear you saying, “but this is too much time” or “this is too much work.” And I hear you. I get it. I wish there were a quicker and easier way—but relationships take time, effort and conversation. If you want your demons to trust you enough to let go of their problems and hand them over to you to solve differently—you need to be a trustworthy partner. You need to show up patiently and consistently, and you need to stay in contact and connect. You need to turn towards them, as the couples therapist Dr. John Gottman would say, by responding to their quiet requests. And perhaps most of all, you need to say, “Thank you.”