One of the biggest roadblocks in healing from trauma is this idea, “I don’t need help, I can do it myself.” Here is the common refrain: “I don’t need a therapist or a group—I have my friend (wife, husband, children…)”

Why? Seems like they could, right? They love us. We feel good with them, safe with them. In fact, it feels like they should be the ones to heal us. They can listen to our problems, and often do. They often listen non-judgmentally as we recount our stories. They often have advice for us, and certainly tell us they love us. They can hold us tightly and kiss us good night. Why isn’t it enough?

We expect our friends and our spouses to be on ‘our’ side. When we feel bad, we want them to help us feel better, not hold us accountable to change. We want them to say the right thing, not the ‘growth promoting’ thing, or worst of all, nothing, and let us sit there with our thoughts. It’s funny, people automatically understand the need for a couple’s therapist when a couple is having a problem. Friends know that they can’t say what they need to both parties and still be ‘loyal’ to their friend, or not be seen as ‘taking sides.’ They know that there are truths to both sides and that they are in over their heads to try and help. Most often you hear, “I’m not going to get in the middle of that.”

A healing relationship is like a couple’s therapist for both sides of the self: the self that wants to change, grow or heal—and the part of the self that wants to stay the same, the part that is afraid of, or unable to change. A therapist’s role is to hold both of these realities—to not take sides, but rather to support both sides by creating an environment in which both sides can grow and integrate.

Healing from trauma is perhaps the most complicated form of therapy. As I mentioned earlier, most trauma is really three interrelated traumas: the experience of repeated trauma, the defensive structure built to survive the trauma, and the loss of healthy growth and development during the period of trauma. While your friends and loved ones may be able to listen and help you with your experiences of trauma, often, it feels impossible to talk with them about it: often these experiences are described as unspeakable. And, often, we don’t want anyone to see us at our worst moments of helplessness. There is simply too much shame. Even if you could share this with them, and you could tell your loved ones how much you are hurting, in some fundamental way they really can’t hear or take in how broken you feel. Not because they aren’t listening, or because they are bad, or they don’t love you—but because they either can’t truly understand, because their experience is too far away from yours, or because it would simply be too hard for them if they did. They need you. They need the relationship with you. You are important for them and they know on some level they can’t fix it and they don’t know how to hold this piece of information with all of the other aspects of you.

How do I find help? What kind of help is best? This is an important question with a lot of answers. There is no ‘perfect’ guide or therapist. When friends and family ask me what to look for, I give a pretty basic answer—what you want in a good therapist or guide or consultant is what you would look for in a good parent. You want someone who can be consistent, patient, hopeful, and who knows that this journey is about you and your growth, not their needs or success. You want someone who knows about trauma or is willing to learn. You want someone who can laugh at herself and who can tolerate her emotions and yours. You want someone who is willing to let both of you make mistakes and who can have a conversation about it when it happens. You want someone you can respect. You want someone whose basic premise is: whatever it is, we can talk about it. And, you want someone who is a good match for you—where you feel safe, and where you feel like you will be understood and heard.

Finding the right person or group is mostly a matter of trial and error. You have to ‘try them on for size.’ You have to see if they are a good match and the only real way to know that is to meet with them and talk with them. That being said, sometimes you don’t get a lot of choice. Depending upon your healthcare coverage, and where you can obtain help—sometimes there are limited options.

But limited options doesn’t necessarily mean poor care. I, and lmost all therapists I know have spent part of our careers in system where we were the only option for people getting help. And this situation is not much different than other aspects of your healthcare. If you go to the emergency room, you don’t generally get to interview doctors.

All therapists are trained to work with a wide range of clients and a wide range of issues. The most important thing you can do is have a conversation about what you want and need—to the best of your ability. What you need to do is to see if the person or group you seek out will be a good match for your healing journey. Can I work with this person? If I have differences of opinions or have doubts about their capacity—can I ask about them?

Here are some questions for you to consider:

What do you hope to get out of treatment?
What symptoms are bothering you the most right now?
What is the most difficult thing about going to see a therapist or being in a group?
What would help you to talk?
What gets in the way of talking?
What gets in the way of taking care of yourself?

And here are some questions for you to ask your potential therapist, guide or consultant:

How long have you been working in this field?

What do you enjoy about it?
How do you typically work with clients?
What happens if we disagree?
What are your expectations of clients?
Have you worked with clients who have a trauma history before?
These questions are just a start, and you are free to ask them anything that would help you feel more comfortable working with them. Some people find help on the first try and some on the second. I found it on the sixth. Remember that it is the combination of you and your therapist or your group that is the ‘healing relationship.’ You each hold an end of the rope. Contrary to rumors, your therapist cannot read your mind. The healing relationship relies on both of you—so you need to trust yourself and your experience, and you need to communicate what you want and need so that the relationship can support your work.

If you are in the US and looking for a therapist I recommend Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist link. You can put in parameters you are looking for: insurance, gender, social identity, specialty, location etc. It’s widely used by a range of therapists with many licenses and specialties.