I was reminded this week while I was working on this poem that in all of the discussions about trauma it can seem that the only learning or unconscious resources we have are the result of difficulty—or that only the hardest things are etched into memory. But this week, as I have struggled with something, I am aware more than ever that moments of joy and love are also etched into our memory and hearts and learning. These moment of joy and love live in us as nourishment, as a deep well or spring. If trauma gives us flashbacks, then joy can also give us lovebeams or joysparks. They can be gossamer warp and weft threads which are just as enduring as our negative experiences. It’s not an either/or. It’s an all-of-it experience. We are the sum total of all of it. And this is what gives me hope. We cannot always control the hard things we experience—but we can infuse our lives with attention and devotion to moments of love and joy. We can bring these things to ourselves. And we can bring these things to others. We can bring even the smallest joys back from memory. We can find them wherever we nourish our hearts and relationships. And we can rest knowing that they are a part of us too.

Joy/Breach

We always wait not knowing

What may surprise us

or break our hearts.

Nightmares were the only

dreams I knew— seeking

refuge in morning light

until one night in a dream

I stood alone

on a high rocky cliff

looking out to the ocean

wide and dark—

suddenly a whale breached

broad, blue, electric

arched white belly—

the water shining.

Whether it was from love

or reunion I cannot say

but a pure joy

filled me so full I could not

contain it all.

I passed out—

falling, falling, falling

for a long time

to the beach below.

Slow and stiff I awoke

sandy and sleepy—

my whale was gone

but the joy that

broke through the surface

held me with love.