"How can I help?"

In my first job out of college I worked at a residential treatment center for teenage girls outside of Boston and when one of the girls would have a really hard time and be in crisis fighting or screaming with a staff member you were instructed to walk up to the staff member and say, “How can I help?”

“How can I help?” is the sentence you use to orient in a crisis. It is the perfect North Star. This “How can I help?” allowed the staff person working with the teen a chance to narrate so we could understand the situation better and know exactly how we might be helpful. But the help was mutual. As a staff member, when someone came up to me and asked, “How can I help?” it was a reminder that it wasn’t my job to figure it out alone. I could lean on another brain. I could lean on emotional support. And the kid always looked relieved, even when they were angry—help was there, and there were more adults to help them figure it out.  

“How can I help?” is for the person who needs help, but you as the helper also get helped. There’s research that shows that soldiers who were able to be helpful to their fellow soldiers during war experienced less PTSD than soldiers who were not able to help. Having the experience of being helpful and useful not only provides something for others, it is an important protection against the effects of repeated stress. It helps us feel the power of service—and it’s important to feel a useful power in situations that can make us feel helpless.

And it’s also okay and normal to need help. If you are the one who needs help—remember that you aren’t burdening someone—you are offering another person an opportunity to be helpful, to be the kind of person they want to be. And you can be helpful by asking for help directly—by asking for what you need, and when you need it. “I need a prescription picked up at CVS.” “I need my trash taken out.” “I need someone to run to the grocery store for us because we don’t have laundry detergent.” Don’t imagine that people can read your mind. Or think that if they aren’t asking, they don’t want to be helpful. We need helpers to offer when they can, and we really, really need people who need help to speak up and be as directive as you can be so that we can actually help you.

But what happens when you don’t know what to offer or no one is asking?

I say to you there are thousands of ways to be helpful. Now, the reason I say this may be because I grew up in the era of the the claymation “Little Drummer Boy” and him just playing his drum had everyone crying by the end of the show—so I ask you “what is your drum?”  Do you bake banana bread? Make that. Do you know how to knit? Knit something for someone. Or make a video of how to knit. Can you rake a lawn? Take out someone’s trash? Plant flowers? Play the guitar? Wash someone’s car? Do you how to use the online meeting spaces like Zoom? Offer your services to the local groups who might need it like AA, or local businesses. Can you walk someone’s dog? Can you fix someone’s fence? Can you talk a parent off a ledge after a day of homeschooling and trying to juggle it all in such a new situation?

Are you a college student home who knows excel or google spreadsheets? Have you created a neighborhood list of people and contacts and who needs what that can get updated and acted on? Can you help a senior remotely learn how to use their phone or computer to stay in touch with their family?

Have you texted or called your friends or family? Have you created a group chat to lift each other’s spirit? Can you have a dinner over FaceTime or speakerphone with someone this week?

And while many adults will still be having some contact with work and will still l be able to feel some sense of normalcy (though under a lot of chaos) I worry about the teens and tweens whose developmental milestones depend upon feeling their impact on people and groups. I think it’s especially important for this age group to feel helpful and useful and capable where they can. Can they create a Youtube channel for pre-school aged kids reading books or teaching shapes or numbers? Do they have a particular love of something they could teach or share? Can they make canned good care packages to share with neighbors who might need it?

And lastly, let younger kids be helpful where they can. Move items in your kitchen or house to make it more likely that they can contribute to chores: put plates where they can reach them to set the table, or brooms where they can find them to sweep the kitchen floor. Have ‘rock out’ helpful parties where they choose the tunes while helping with a household chore they don’t usually do—or have them write cards or letter to doctors and nurses. You can send them or photograph them and email them. Create theme nights so they can spend time during the day to make decorations. Let them have an impact too.

 And at the end of each day as you are headed to bed—have a round of gratitude for the ways you felt helped and/or the ways you were able to be helpful. In this time of stress, let yourself feel your big heart and the heart of others. 

© 2020 Gretchen L. Schmelzer, PhD

Sera Nuestro Momento Heroico (Our Finest Hour: Spanish Translation)

This piece was originally published in English as “This can be our finest hour but we need all of you” and now it has been generously translated into Spanish by Ernesto Amezcua.

Para la gran mayoría de las personas en todo el país y en todo el mundo, este virus no se trata de TI. Este es uno de esos momentos en la vida, y en la historia, cuando tus acciones significarán algo más grande, se trata de alguien más, se trata sobre algo mucho más grande, una acción indirecta de mayor impacto social, una persona que salvarás y que a la vez nunca conocerás.

 Puedes estar sano, tus hijos y tus padres al igual, de hecho, todos a tu alrededor parecen estar bien y todas las cosas que planeaste, la primavera del 2020 que creías que ibas a disfrutar se han deshecho por completo.

 Posiblemente tendrás que trabajar desde tu casa, tu conferencia ha sido cancelada, tu semestre ha terminado, tu trabajo ha sido cancelado, todo parece suceder muy rápido, y de forma desproporcionada y desorientadora. Miras cada suceso y piensas, pero… “No le hago daño a nadie si sigo con mis planes”, “esto no es tan grave”, “hemos trabajado muy duro”, “van a estar muy decepcionados”.

 Tus pérdidas, tus decepciones y tus dificultades son reales. No pretendo minimizar la dificultad que se avecina, a ti, a tu familia y a tu comunidad.

 Pero esta no es como otras enfermedades y no podemos actuar como si lo fuera. Es más contagiosa, más fatal, y lo más importante, aun cuando se pudiera controlar, no se hará a gran escala, o en cualquier lugar. Necesitamos que esto se mueva lo suficientemente lento para dar tiempo a nuestras instituciones médicas y al colectivo nacional y mundial para que se pueda atender a los muy enfermos, y a todos los demás que necesitan ser atendidos. Porque en este momento de virus severos, continúan todas las otras enfermedades que requieren de cuidados, aun hay cáncer, todavía hay ataques cardíacos, siguen los accidentes automovilísticos, y continúan atendiéndose partos complicados. Necesitamos que nuestra infraestructura médica pueda soportar esta carga, también debemos estar consientes de que nuestros sistemas médicos están hechos por personas y estos increíbles profesionales de la salud son un recurso precioso y limitado.

Ellos seguro se van a comportar a la altura de la ocasión, trabajarán para sanarte, para salvar a tu madre, a tu padre, hermana o bebé. Pero para que esto suceda, tenemos una tarea muy importante que hacer TODOS NOSOTROS.

¿Cuál es esta tarea?

Debemos lavarnos las manos, quedarnos en casa si estamos enfermos, pero, la más importante se trata de expandir nuestro corazón y mente para vernos a nosotros mismos y a nuestra familia como parte de una comunidad mucho más grande que puede tener un impacto social masivo, “enormemente masivo” en la vida de otras personas.

 Recuerdo la sensación de impotencia después del 11 de septiembre y después del huracán Sandy, recuerdo cuánta gente quería ayudar, también recuerdo cuánta generosidad de espíritu había en querer dar, en querer ser útil, en querer salvar vidas.

 Muchos de nosotros hemos tenido experiencias similares desde entonces, ya sea de un tiroteo masivo, de un incendio forestal o de inundaciones. Han existido ocasiones en las que reflexionas y te preguntas cómo puedes ayudar. Y ahora TODOS tenemos esta oportunidad. 

 Puedes ayudar; cancelando o posponiendo cualquier evento que requiera de una reunión grupal, evitando usar a el sistema médico a menos que sea un caso urgente, quedándote en casa si estás enfermo, o cocinando y haciendo compras para un amigo que necesite quedarse en casa, ayudas de igual manera cuidando al hijo de alguien que necesita remplazar a algún colega en el trabajo, ordenando comida para llevar de los restaurantes locales, consumiendo esta comida o encontrando a alguien que la necesite. Puedes colaborar, al ofrecerte a traer a un estudiante universitario a su casa, o proveerle de techo y comida a otro que no cuenta con familiares en la ciudad. Finalmente, de igual manera, puedes coadyuvar preguntándote: "¿Qué podemos hacer mi familia y yo?" "¿Qué podemos ofrecer?" Sintiéndote como parte de algo más grande que tu persona.

 Cuando el tanque de oxígeno de la misión espacial del Apolo 13 falló y el módulo lunar estaba en peligro de no regresar a la Tierra, el director de vuelo principal Gene Kranz, escuchó a la gente decir que este podría ser el peor desastre que la NASA ( Administración Nacional de Aeronáutica y del Espacio

 de E.U.A.) había experimentado, a lo que se dice que respondió; "Con el debido respeto, creo que este será nuestro momento heroico ". 

Imagínate si pudiéramos hacer que nuestra respuesta a esta crisis sea nuestro mejor momento heroico. Imagínate si dentro de un año o dos miramos hacia atrás y contamos las historias de cómo nos unimos como equipo en nuestra sociedad, en nuestro estado, en nuestra nación y en todo el mundo. Tu contribución a este momento histórico puede parecer pequeña, invisible, o intrascendente, pero cada pequeño acto de amabilidad o apoyo se sumarán de forma exponencial. Estos actos pueden y salvarán vidas. La tripulación del Apolo 13 llegó a su mejor momento al liberarse de la palabra "yo" y acoger a la palabra "nosotros".

Y esa es la tarea que se requiere de cada uno de nosotros, solo puede ser nuestro momento histórico si trabajamos juntos. Todos somos parte del equipo y necesitamos que cada uno brillemos de la manera que se pueda.

This can be our finest hour -- but we need all of you.

For the vast majority of people nationwide and worldwide, this virus is not about you. This is one of those times in life, in history, when your actions are about something bigger. They are about someone else. They are about something greater, a greater good that you may not ever witness. A person you will save who you will never meet.

You may be healthy, and your kids may be healthy. You parents may be healthy. Everyone around you seems fine. And all the things you planned and the 2020 spring you thought you were going to have has been completely undone. You have to work from home. Your conference is cancelled. Your semester is over. Your work is cancelled. It all seems fast, and out-of-proportion and disorienting. You look at each action and think—but it would be okay if I did that. It’s not so big. We worked so hard. They would be so disappointed.

Your losses are real. Your disappointments are real. Your hardships are real. I don’t mean to make light or to minimize the difficulty ahead for you, your family or community.

But this isn’t like other illnesses and we don’t get to act like it is. It’s more contagious, it’s more fatal—and most importantly, even if it can be managed. It can’t be managed at a massive scale—anywhere. We need this thing to move slowly enough for our collective national and worldwide medical systems to hold the very ill so that all of the very ill can get taken care of. Because at this time of severe virus there are also all of the other things that require care. There is still cancer, there are still heart attacks, there are still car accidents, there are still complicated births. And we need our medical systems to be able to hold us. And we need to be responsible because our medical systems are made up of people and these amazing healthcare workers are a precious and limited resource. They will rise to this occasion. They will work to help you heal. They will work to save your mother or father or sister or baby. But in order for that to happen we have very important work to do. ALL OF US.

So what is our work? Yes, you need to wear a mask, wash your hands, and stay home. This virus spreads with people who have symptoms and people who don’t display symptoms, so stay home whether you are sick or not. But the biggest work you can do is expand your heart and your mind to see yourself and see your family as part of a much bigger community that can have a massive—hugely massive—impact on the lives of other people. I remember the feeling of helplessness after 9/11 and after Hurricane Sandy. I remember how much people wanted to help. I remember how much generosity of spirit there was about wanting to give, wanting to be helpful, wanting to save lives. And many of you have had experiences since then—whether it was a mass shooting, or the wildfires, or floods. There have been times you have looked on and wondered how you could help. And now we ALL have that chance.

You can help by canceling anything that requires a group gathering. You can help by wearing a mask in public and in gatherings where you can’t social distance. You can help by not using the medical system unless it is urgent. You can help by staying home if you are sick. You can help by cooking or shopping or doing errands for a friend who needs to stay home. You can help by watching someone’s kid if they need to cover for someone else at work. You can help by ordering take-out from your local restaurants. Eat the food yourself or find someone who needs it. You can help by offering to help bring someone’s college student home or house out-of-town students if you have extra rooms. You can help by asking yourself, “What can I and my family do to help?” “What can we offer?” You can help by seeing yourself as part of something bigger than yourself.

When the Apollo 13 oxygen tank failed and the lunar module was in danger of not returning to earth, Gene Kranz, the lead flight director overheard people saying that this could be the worst disaster NASA had ever experienced—to which he is rumored to have responded, “With all due respect, I believe this is going to be our finest hour.”

Imagine if we could make our response to this crisis our finest hour. Imagine if a year or two from now we looked back on this and told the stories of how we came together as a team in our community, in our state, in our nation and across the world. Your contribution to the finest hour may seem small, invisible, inconsequential—but every small act of ‘not doing’ what you were going to do, and ‘doing’ an act of kindness or support will add up exponentially. These acts can and will save lives. The Apollo 13 crew made it their finest hour by letting go of the word “I” and embracing the word “we.” And that’s the task required of us. It can only be our finest hour if we work together. You are all on the team. And we need all of you to shine in whatever way you can.

*This piece edited on March 22, 2020 and Nov 1, 2020 to reflect the new research on mask wearing and airborne transmission and to reflect that people should stay home whether or not they feel sick as new scientific evidence reflects that people can carry the virus and not experience symptoms.

© 2020 Gretchen L. Schmelzer, PhD

Healing depends upon how much you are willing to begin, again and again.

“If the Angel decides to come it will be because you have convinced her, not by tears, but by your humble resolve to be always beginning; to be a beginner”

— Rainer Maria Rilke

This week as I start a new writing project I come face-to-face with the work of beginnings. There is just so much work that goes in to tilling the soil of what you are about to do—reading, writing practice, re-reading, re-writing. All without any noticeable forward motion, but with a sense of depth, familiarity and comfort in the new landscape. And the other work of creating what I have come to call ‘writing compost’: small pieces of writing that result in one new idea to move your writing forward, or notes from articles to hone definitions and expand my understanding of the topic. Work that helps me integrate what I know with what is new and what I have experienced. And this is all work that will never see the light of day or be seen by anyone else. All work that is just there to feed the ideas and feed the work so it can grow.

When I began my last writing project I asked for advice from friends about beginnings and one wise friend told me to ‘have the courage to be new.’ And I think of this advice every time I find myself starting again at anything. It’s amazing how powerful ‘the old’ is, how much you feel attached to the old, and wary of the new. Our old habits, old worldview, old beliefs. Even if they aren’t helping us, even if they are actually getting in our way. The old familiar can feel so solid and comforting, and the new feels so wobbly and incomplete.

Beginnings are inevitable. As long as you continue to heal and grow, you will hit places of beginning again. Because healing from trauma is a cycle and as you complete one cycle of healing, you come back around to beginning again. You come back to the preparation phase again—where the work is tilling the soil, creating compost, gathering resources, and taking a look at what needs to be healed, mended and repaired. As you come back to the beginning you assess what worked the last time and what didn’t. What other supports or resources do you need? What do you understand now that you didn’t then? What’s the next piece of work?

Preparation work requires a belief in, and a devotion to, your healing, to the hope and vision you have for your future. It isn’t work that others will cheer you on for because often, no one can see this work but you. Beginning work is inside work, and inside work is often invisible. Preparation work is work that you are doing on behalf of your future self—the you-- a year or ten years from now-- who is grateful to you for your courage to begin now. Grateful for your courage to take these slow and awkward steps.

One problem with beginning is that in our current culture, and especially our culture of healing, we don’t acknowledge the long on-ramp of beginning. We equate beginning with action, successful action and this isn’t at all where beginnings start. Beginnings start with contemplation. Beginnings start with hopes and fears. Beginnings start with watching other people do it, or reading about other people who did it. Beginnings start with fantasies of what it would be like to live differently or complete that really hard task. And then beginnings start with lots and lots of attempts and failures. Getting up and falling down. Learning from your mistakes and learning who you are in the process. Beginnings start with one word, and one sentence. Sometimes repeated over and over again. Beginnings start with putting your hand on the door handle of the gym, or the door handle of a 12 Step meeting only to turn around and go home and try again tomorrow. Beginnings are not an event--they are a process and in that process you build the strength and gather enough knowledge to really know the problem you are dealing with and how you want to approach it. Your success will actually depend upon how much you are willing to begin, again and again.

Beginnings are hard and I have real compassion for the many people who don’t want to begin whatever it is that calls them. Only a few days in to the new writing project and I can feel, really feel how big the work is ahead of me, how long the effort will need to be, and how slow it will likely be before the project begins to look on paper the way it appears in my mind. My hopeful confidence dashed, I am reminded of the kind of effort it takes to hike a long distance in the rain because you know that day will be a long, cold, tiring effort, and very little payoff in terms of vistas and views.

Beginnings are all about trust. In therapy a lot of the beginning work is about building trust in the therapy relationship—where you learn to trust your therapist and your therapist can come to trust you. But across healing and even in other endeavors like writing—much of beginnings is learning to trust in yourself. And no matter where you are learning trust the biggest part of trust is constancy: showing up. Showing up again. And again. So the biggest gift you can give yourself to start something is to make it easy enough to show up. Write for 5 minutes. Say one thing that’s true. Read another article. Ask for help again. Try mindfulness again. Whatever it is that you need to do. And was hard to do. And you couldn’t do before. Do it again. And again. And again.

It can feel unfair to find yourself at the beginning again. It feels like all the previous work you did should have you starting higher on the mountain, and not down in the valley looking up. But there are real gifts for you in beginnings that only can happen when you start, or start again. Beginnings belong solely and squarely to you. All of those moments where you don’t abandon yourself, but instead keep yourself company so that you can stay at your task long enough to begin. Those hours of companionship with yourself are something no one can give you –they are what makes the difference in healing and growth. Yes, it can feel unfair to be back at the beginning again. I had no idea I would have to give up my wings and go back to being a caterpillar—back to crawling again. But it’s not the flight we’re after, but the courage to make the shift.  

© 2020 Gretchen L. Schmelzer, PhD